Understanding myself…
‘It has been a nice day’. To others this statement is as it seems, one of a contented individual having experienced a pleasant day enjoying something they find stimulating or relaxing…
As it is, neither does it tell us anything, especially how that individual might really be feeling.
As it was, I did have a rather lovely day yesterday. Riding behind as well as watching the Class 31 on the Llangollen Railway. The restorative effect of shutting my eyes and listening to her exhaust note as re climbed Berwyn bank creating a wave of pure joy to wash over me... Enjoying too the quieter moments, the song of wheels on jointed rail, the wind blown long grass waving to me from the fields or the rain drops chasing one another down the window. Magic.
Back home though and I found myself playing about with models, stripping them down, adjusting them, running them back and forth, on repeat, trying to improve their performance but actually struggling to switch off. It is frustrating, it is difficult to explain and my family can’t see inside, I look content but am scrabbling around inside my head, agitated and unsettled… I can tell I’m struggling because I’m not creating anything but on the outside I’ve had a nice day, enjoying myself and am now playing trains.
This morning I wonder if creativity is the output of my quiet and steady mind. When it’s agitated or unsettled my creativity evaporates…
Recognising that creativity is the yin to the yang of my agitation. Two parts of who I am. Not one without the other.
This reflection is not about the loss of creativity but rather the recognition that I’m struggling. Perhaps just to accept the symptoms and be kind to myself.
Today is another day. Let us see where the journey takes us, until next time, more soon…
Morning James. A brutally self honest post, thank you for sharing it with us. The difference between what's going on inside compared to the outside can so often be extreme. I often go up to the railway room inspired to do some modelling and end up sitting paralysed, not really able to achieve something meaningful. On a lighter note, a full set of snow ploughs really change the expression of a class 31! Take care.
ReplyDeleteAlways happy to share my distilled experiences in the hope they might help someone else…
DeleteThe lighter note yes, although they do make coupling up awkward with the vacuum brake pipe… the crew really struggle with them in the restricted space.
Hi James, I sympathise with your state of mind. Sometimes the creativity just isn’t there, despite one wishing it were so; and the wishing only makes it worse. I hope today is proving more fruitful. Best, Jonathan
ReplyDeleteThank you Jonathan. Each day as it comes, practicing recognising and accepting thoughts and feelings… I did get a cab ride in the Class 14 though which was a rather nice experience…
Delete